i haven’t laughed this hard in a long time
67 Things I Wish I Had Known At 18:
1. Boys will break your heart. Let them. Learn from it.
2. It’s so easy to become jaded, but don’t let it happen to you. Fight it.
3. Stand firm in your beliefs.
4. Love yourself. Sometimes you’re all you have.
5. Cherish the little things.
6. Order pizza at 3am on a Tuesday. It won’t kill you.
7. It’s okay to laugh at yourself. Embrace the imperfections.
8. You are the rule, not the exception. Life will be so much easier if you accept this now.
9. Make mistakes. If you learn from them, they won’t be in vain.
10. He’s lying, there is no fish tank. Go anyway.
11. Classes can be retaken. Life cannot.
12. Sometimes it’s better to ask for forgiveness than for permission.
13. The world is full of cynics – don’t become one.
14. Stop calling him. Stop texting him. If he wanted you, he’d be there.
15. Apologize when you’re wrong. Just suck up your pride and do it.
16. Bellybutton piercings are a bad idea. As are tattoos.
17. No one is perfect. Stop being so hard on yourself.
18. Hug your friends. Cherish them. Hold them tight.
19. Laugh until you cry. Cry until you laugh.
20. Step outside your comfort zone.
21. Order a glass of water with every drink. It’s not lame. It’s smart.
22. A bad hair day really won’t kill you.
23. Dancing on tables should be reserved for special occasions, like birthdays and Thursday nights.
24. Don’t dumb yourself down for a boy.
25. Ignorance is not bliss. Study. Work hard.
26. Life is hard. Accept this and move on.
27. Don’t sweat the small stuff, but do sweat at the gym. Your health is your everything.
28. Tell your parents you love them every chance you get.
29. Stop caring so much about what everyone else thinks.
30. Forgive. Life is too short to be angry.
31. You are destined to be more than just someone’s wife. Act like it.
32. People will hurt you. Don’t stoop to their level.
33. Read a newspaper.
34. Sometimes the only person that you can rely on is yourself.
35. It’s okay if your thighs touch and your tummy isn’t perfectly toned. You’re still beautiful.
36. Don’t let your happiness depend on another person.
37. Push yourself. You’d be amazed at what you’re capable of.
38. Smile through the tears.
39. Don’t slut shame. Girls have it hard enough – don’t turn on one another.
40. It’s okay to ask for help.
41. He’ll never change. Let him go.
42. Trust your instincts.
43. Worrying causes wrinkles and Botox is expensive. Calm down.
44. Take pictures. Lots and lots of pictures.
45. Love with everything you have.
46. Put down your phone and look around. Life is happening.
47. Stand up for yourself.
48. Confidence is everything.
49. Wash your makeup off at night. Seriously. Do it.
50. There are bad people in this world. Don’t be one of them.
51. Be honest with yourself.
52. Be honest with others.
53. You never need that last shot of vodka, but have it anyway.
54. There is a man out there who will not make you cry. Wait for him.
55. Don’t take yourself too seriously.
56. Your success will not be handed to you. Work for it.
57. Don’t waste money on expensive mascaras. Great Lash by Maybelline will always be the best.
58. Give back.
59. He does not define your self-worth. Stop letting him.
60. Life is uncertain. Tomorrow is not guaranteed; don’t take it for granted.
61. Your faith in everything you know will be tested. Push forward.
62. Be carefree, not careless.
63. It’s okay to cry.
64. You will fall, both literally and figuratively. Get back up.
65. Tequila is a bad idea, as is getting back together with an ex.
66. Fad diets never work.
67. Be gracious in all that you do.
“From Rush To Rehab” (via l0versandliars)
Shang’s journey to self discovery as told by me
Bohemian Rhapsody is no one’s favorite song, but also everyone’s favorite song. Like, when someone asks what your favorite song is you never say Bohemian Rhapsody but when it starts playing on the radio I am pretty sure you crank it up and belt out every single lyric and you don’t even care you’re so proud.
when shots are fired but you have a good comeback
im jumping on the theo james bandwagon i just googled him and wow
But the titanic sank?
if only the titanic did that
These are gold.
Have you ever been to earth?
On earth, we use the word “burrito” to describe a tortilla filled with things you eat. Pretty simple stuff, and I’m surprised you at least got that part right. My burrito was, in fact, filled with food. In this, you and I agree and are friends. But this is also where my lifelong hatred begins for you and anyone else whose brain has been repeatedly scrubbed with the same mixture of bleach and Pop Rocks as yours has. Because that should have killed you, but left you around long enough to do what you did to me today. Let me explain:
You’re an idiot.
Let me further explain:
Burritos are eaten from one end to the other. So that means when you assemble a burrito with motherfucking ZONES of ingredients going that direction, you create a disgusting experience for the burrito’s end user. When you make a burrito, you should put the ingredients in layerslengthwise. That way, every bite has AT LEAST A FUCKING CHANCE of getting at least two types of ingredients, and there is little chance of becoming almost hopelessly trapped in a goddamned cilantro cavern.
Have you ever eaten one of the things you make all fucking day? You should try one. They are pretty good WHEN YOU ARE NOT WILLING YOURSELF THROUGH THE FUCKING EMPIRE OF SOUR CREAM ONLY TO END UP IN LETTUCE COUNTRY.
When you eat a burrito, you don’t stand it up and bite down on it lengthwise like a fucking Rancor. Humans can’t usually dislocate their jaws, and I’m not a fucking pelican. But you must think that’s how it’s done, since that would be THE ONLY FUCKING WAY to take a bite of your crapstrosity and have it taste like a burrito.
And guess what else, player? You probably can’t guess anything, because I’m pretty sure you’re just a mop with a hat on it that fell over and spilled some shit into a tortilla, but just in case, here’s what:
Humans also don’t eat burritos like fucking corn on the cob. Like a fucking typewriter from one end to the other a little at a time and then DING next line. But today I wish I had tried that. Because at least THEN I would be able to eat some rice, then beans, then be all like HEY BEANS I’LL BE RIGHT BACK JUST GOING OVER HERE TO THE GUACAMOLE FOR A SECOND.
My experience was more like HEY BEANS IT’S JUST GOING TO BE YOU AND I FOR A MINUTE UNTIL I CAN FUCKING EXCAVATE THE RICE FROM BENEATH YOU BUT BY THEN YOU WILL BE A FADING MEMORY OH HEY I WAS WRONG I’M IN THE FUCKING CHEESEOSPHERE NOW RICE MUST BE NEXT I HOPE IT’S NOT ANOTHER FUCKING SALSA POCKET.
You built this thing like a fucking pack of LifeSavers.
And don’t even fucking think I’m about to open this shit up and re-engineer your nonsense 90 degrees. I ALREADY PUT A HOLE IN IT WITH MY FUCKING MOUTH. YEAH. THAT’S HOW I DISCOVERED YOU FUCKING SUCK AT LOOKING AT THINGS. I AM NOT GOING TO DO FUCKING TORTILLA ORIGAMI TO GET THIS SHIT BACK TOGETHER, ONLY TO END UP WITH A BURRITO THAT’S BEEN SHOT IN THE GUT AND IS BLEEDING YOUR INEPTITUDE.
What’s that? I should ask you to mix it up first next time? IS THIS JAMBA JUICE? I DON’T WANT TO DRINK MY FUCKING BURRITO THROUGH A BENDY STRAW, AND I DON’T WANT A PILE OF BURRITO SOUP IN A FLOUR CAN.
I just want a burrito.
You’re the worst thing that has ever happened to the universe, you owe everyone everywhere an apology for this burritobomination, and I hope your babies look like monkeys.
UPDATE FOR EVERYONE WHO SAID “JUST EAT IT WITH A FORK”:
A fucking fork?
I DIDN’T ORDER THE FUCKING COBBURRITO SALAD.
If anyone ever handed me a burrito with a fork, THEY WOULD BE WEARING A BRAND NEW BURRITO HAT FROM MY FALL COLLECTION TEN SECONDS LATER.
That’s like buying a car and having them hand you a fucking wrench with the keys. Like YEAH WE KNOW THIS MOTHERFUCKER’S GOING TO EXPLODE AND BE SPREAD ACROSS EIGHT LANES AS SOON AS YOU HIT THE GAS, BUT SHIT, WE GAVE YOU A WRENCH, SO BE COOL.
Jesus already gave me two burrito forks. One at the end of each arm. They’re called fucking HANDS.
A fork. My god. I haven’t cried since I was six, but I’m fucking sobbing now.
People eat burritos with forks?
God is sorry he made us.
this truly scared me i thought the legs on the right were some crispy burnt up human legs i need a minute to breathe
"damn this nigga really came down here"
accurate representation of the last 4 years of my academic life
^ so accurate it hurts
This is the most upsetting thing I’ve see